Have you ever been forced into the friend zone by a woman you were
really attracted to? Have you ever wanted to force a woman into the
friend zone because you weren’t attracted to her? The friend zone is
surprisingly easy to control, but most men aren’t able to because they
make the same mistakes over and over again.

Falling into the friend zone is almost always an accident, but
unfortunately it’s an accident that’s very difficult to recover from.
A man who is a badass with women has learned how to guide
interactions so that he will never just be a friend unless he wants
to. In this chapter, I’m going to teach you everything you need to
know to keep yourself out of the friend zone, and if you ever find
yourself in a situation where you want to force a woman into it –
because you’re not attracted to her, perhaps, or because you’re in
a relationship – you can do so fairly easily by simply not doing the
things you’re going to learn here.

When a woman starts using “we” verbiage, calls you “a good
friend,” or says things like “I’m glad you’re around,” you’re seeing
the beginning signs of being placed into the friend zone. Even
though they indicate that the process has just started, it’s already too
late to pull yourself out of it. There is only one way to potentially
remove yourself from the friend zone, but you must risk everything
– including the platonic friendship – to make it happen. You’re much
better off knowing how to stay out of the friend zone in the first
place.

Humans use their extraordinarily intelligent subconscious minds
to judge people almost instantly after meeting them. We gather
all of the information available to us about someone, and form an
impression of that person based on what we learn from it. When
a woman looks at you for the first time, she decides immediately
if you’re the kind of man who talks to a lot of people, or the kind
of man who introduces himself to strangers. She assesses whether
or not you’re a man who would buy her a drink, or who would be
good to bring home to her mother. In the first few moments, she
will make as many decisions about you as she possibly can with the
information given to her. This is why it’s essential that your default
mode is one that encourages your success later on in the interaction.

Ask yourself now if you’re the kind of guy – or, more correctly, if
you’re giving off signals that you’re the kind of guy – who naturally
touches everyone casually. If you’re not that guy already, you’re going
to need to become him. The reason this is so important is a concept
referred to as a touch gap. Think of the touch gap like this: when you
first meet a woman, there is a little crack in the ground between you.
As you communicate with her without touching her, the crack grows
larger until it becomes a crevice that you must leap to get over. If you
continue to build rapport without touching her, it becomes a massive
canyon that you can’t cross. You’ll have to walk away, give the situation
time to reset, and then return later – months, maybe even years, later.
Obviously, that is not an effective strategy. The only way to defeat
the friend zone is never to fall into it. So why does it happen? A
man falls into the friend zone A) Because he does not bridge the
touch gap, and B) Because he builds rapport at the appearance of the
first, tiny glimmer of interest from a woman. Many men, especially
those who are new to learning this subject, tend to blow their chances
with women by doing too much too quickly. Men who aren’t used to
thinking of themselves as attractive to women tend to be needy, and
pursue women too strongly when they’ve shown only minor signs of
interest. Trying to build rapport too early in an interaction is a huge
error that will land you in the friend zone.

You might spend two hours at a bar connecting with a woman,
discussing art, literature, philosophy, and find yourself stuck in the
friend zone afterwards because you failed to escalate. Combining
poorly timed rapport building with a failure to bridge the touch gap
will destroy your chances all together.

Scared yet? Don’t be. There is a system for escalation that every man
can learn. You may have noticed that certain cultures seem to breed
Don Juans – the French, for example, and the Italians – who are
intensely successful with women, particularly American women. This
happens because they come from cultures in which people naturally
touch each other a great deal. They touch parents, friends, strangers
– everyone! – because it is customary in their society in a way that
it is not in ours. Women tend to accept this increased amount of
touching when they find out that a man is from one of these cultures,
and all of a sudden, he has a free pass to do whatever he wants to!
He will be able to escalate more quickly than men who are not from
traditionally touchy cultures.
Fortunately for you, you do not have to be Italian or French to
successfully escalate an interaction with a woman. When you meet a
random girl in a bar, she is not judging you based on your nationality;
she judges you based on how you’re acting. If, from the very
beginning, you act like you touch a lot, she will accept that that’s a
part of your personality. It’s just who you are. She will think of you
in the same way that she thinks of a man who is from a culture that
frequently physically engages with other people.

Don’t expect a group of people who knew you before you started
studying this to accept this new part of you immediately, because
they’ve already made their judgments about you. When they met
you, you were not the kind of guy who naturally touched people.
Changing your behavior can often lead to very adverse reactions from
people you already know – they might even try to cut you out of their
lives or keep you from growing – but don’t be discouraged. If you
find yourself in this situation, there’s really nothing you can do to fix
it. You must simply have the courage to leave it behind, secure in the
knowledge that your self-improvement is more important than people
who are trying to stunt your growth.

When you have become confident in the mindset that you are a man
who touches people, you’re ready to learn how to use the system
for touch escalation to your advantage. How do you do it? What
happens if you screw it up? How do you know you’re doing it well?
How do you learn to make it natural instead of a conscious effort?
Ultimately, the most important thing to remember is that touch
escalation will only work if you touch with the proper mentality, at
the proper time.

If you don’t touch with the proper mentality, even if you do so at
the proper time, you will come across as trying to move too quickly
or trying to move too slowly. You need to touch differently based
on what phase of the map of interaction you are in at the moment,
so review that chapter of the book if you need a bit of a refresher.
During attraction, you must have the mentality of a boy. During
rapport, you must have the mentality of a friend. And during
seduction, you must have the mentality of a man. I’m leaving out
relationship balance for the moment, because it has a completely
different set of rules for touch that are based on the value and power
dynamics of the relationship.

To be successful, you must also have the proper intention during
each of the three phases mentioned above. For attraction, the proper
intention is to build curiosity. For rapport, the proper intention is to
build a connection and to transfer emotions. And for seduction, the
proper intention is to escalate sexually. If you have both the right
mentality and the right intention, you’re ready to throw time into the
mix.

The first step is to be able to recognize what phase you’re in. Most
men understand seduction, but attraction and rapport can be a
little more difficult to deal with. Guys tend to think that they don’t
understand attraction but are pretty good at building rapport, when
in reality it’s usually the other way around. Men typically know a lot
more about attraction than they think they do, and know a lot less
about rapport than they think they do.

A badass knows everything about each one of these phases. He’s
not strong in some areas and weak in others. He is an expert across
the board. You have to work to become the best at what you do,
so study hard until you fully understand how touch must differ in
attraction, rapport, and seduction.

Let’s begin with attraction. Attraction, again, is the phase in which
you build curiosity. As you probably remember, the first stage within
attraction is introduction, the time in which someone first becomes
aware of your existence. This is your default mode, so it should
come as no surprise that your touch during attraction is going to be
your default touch.

Here’s how it works: during attraction, you should have a light hand.
As you build rapport with someone you can have a heavier hand,
especially if you move into seduction, but in the beginning of an
interaction you must be gentle because a woman is not yet sure if
she can trust you. Your touch should also be friendly, playful, and
boy-like, in keeping with the mentality you must maintain during the
attraction phase. Be careful not to move too quickly or the woman
will feel like you’re attacking her. She must feel safe around you if
you want to escalate. The last thing to remember is that touch during
this phase must be fleeting. It can’t linger for too long. The last thing
you want is for a woman to take your hand off her.

Where are you allowed to touch and how long can each touch last during
the phase of attraction? There’s no real rule about where you can and
cannot touch, because every rule I know can be broken if you know how
to fix a situation that goes wrong. When you’re comfortable with all of
the material here, you can skip stages and escalate at a more rapid pace if
you so choose. It takes a tremendous amount of skill and awareness to
skip stages, however, so don’t attempt to do it before you’re ready.

In general, touch during the phase of attraction should last no longer
than 1-3 seconds. Touching longer than that is extremely risky. If
she has to pull your hand off because you’ve allowed your touch
to linger too long, you will be catapulted back to the beginning
of the map of interaction. Every time you’re forced to start over,
the process takes longer and your chances of success decrease
dramatically. At some point, if this keeps happening, the interaction
will be FUBAR – fucked up beyond all repair. There will be no way
to fix the situation, and no point in you trying to do so.

When it comes to where to touch, you should touch on the
extremities but not on the extreme extremities. That means that, to
be on the safe side, you shouldn’t touch a woman’s hand too early on
unless it’s to shake it or give her a high five. Stick to the shoulders,
the triceps, and the upper back area. The four words to keep in
mind, regardless of which of these areas you’re touching, are light,
friendly, safe, and fleeting. The message all of your actions should
send is “I touch a lot, but I’m not going to hurt you in any kind of
way. In fact, I’m going to protect you if something happens.”

As you move forward, you will find yourself in the phase of rapport.
During rapport, you have stopped bantering and have become very
real in an effort to establish an emotional connection with a woman.
Touches should be both lingering and understanding. Whereas
touch during attraction can only last 1-3 seconds, a touch during
rapport can last for 4-7 seconds. The guidelines for where to touch
during this phase depend on whether you are standing or sitting.
When sitting, touching knees is acceptable, as is interlocking fingers
when things become more intimate. While standing, the small of a
woman’s back can be touched. It’s also possible, if you move slowly,
have built a great deal of trust, and are nearing the seduction phase,
to touch the hair, neck, and face during rapport.

As you can probably guess, touch during seduction is more aggressive
and sexual. Be firm, but also be sensual. The difference between
sensual and sexual is simple: the word “sexual” refers to sex, while
the word “sensual” refers to one’s senses. Move your hand around a
woman’s body to heighten her senses (and your own as well). This will
allow her to focus on emotions that will aid in the seduction process.

I know this sounds a little bit mechanical, but you don’t need to be
thinking about why you’re touching a woman in a certain way while
you’re doing it. You just need to know when to turn it on, and when
to turn it off.

You also need to be very careful with your interpretation of the word
“aggressive.” When I use the term, I mean being aggressive while
also having approval. To tell the difference between a woman who
is playing hard-to-get and a woman who actually doesn’t want you
to touch her, look for incongruence in her communication. If she
says “No, stop!” but has positive body language, you must question
further to figure out if she really wants you to quit. It might be
tempting to follow only the signals that her body is sending you, but
you can’t. She doesn’t necessarily want you to continue just because
her body says she does, so be on the safe side and never push too
hard. Take a “No, stop!” seriously, but if she says “We shouldn’t be
doing this,” you don’t have to take it as seriously, especially if she is
still exhibiting positive body language.

When a negative remark is coupled with negative body language,
you’re done. Do not keep attempting to be aggressive. A lot of guys
can’t tell the difference between playing hard-to-get and legitimate
disinterest, so it’s vital that you learn this. Making that mistake – even
just once – will destroy your reputation.

Ultimately, your goal should be to make everyone around you as
comfortable as possible (especially the women you’re attracted to!).
Part of that comfort comes from the amount of time you allow your
touches to linger, as we’ve been discussing. The unusual thing about
seduction is that there is no touching time limit. You should actually
have your hand on a woman for as long as possible during this phase,
even if that means sliding it from one location to another.

So, to recap, touches during attraction must be light, friendly,
safe, and fleeting, and should last for no longer than 1-3 seconds.
Acceptable areas to touch during attraction are: arms, shoulders,
and in some situations, hands. Humans accept touches in those
areas because they are the parts of the body that we are most able to
control, and therefore are most able to pull away quickly if needed.

In rapport, your touches must be lingering and understanding. As
far as everyone is concerned – yourself, the woman, anyone around
you – you are only trying to be a friend. Contact should last from 4
to 7 seconds, and can occur in areas that are more intimate than the
areas touched during attraction, such as the small of the back, the
forearms, and interlocking the fingers. You can also occasionally
touch a woman’s neck during this phase, but keep in mind that when
you do so she is literally putting her life in your hands, so make sure
you don’t attempt to do it until you’ve built up a lot of rapport.

Lastly, think sexual, firm, and sensual during the phase of seduction.
Be aggressive, but not so much so that a woman feels like she needs
to push you away. You’ll need to reassess everything you’ve done if
you ever find yourself in that situation.

When you’ve screwed something up, it’s important to recognize that
you have created a problem so that you can go back and fix it. If
you’ve messed up too many times, however, you will have done so
much damage that the situation cannot be repaired. The last things
that you want are to be overly aggressive or to not be aggressive
whatsoever. Calibrate your aggressiveness well, and follow these rules
as much as possible, because only after you learn to follow the rules
of touch can you start bending them.

Wondering what the consequences of poor calibration are? Acting
too aggressive with a woman will cause obvious problems, so I’m not
going to go over them here, and not being aggressive enough is the
fastest way to condemn yourself to the friend zone.

There are several ways to tell if you are calibrating correctly. During
attraction, a woman will begin to touch you in return if you are
touching her properly. You might notice an increase in random
touches on your shoulder, or she might high-five you back. In the
phase of rapport, lean back and study the woman’s body language.
Did she lean forward? If she did, she’s sending you another positive
signal. Humans tend to lean towards each other while building
rapport in a literal attempt to bridge the gap between them and
build a stronger connection. You’ll know you’re effectively building
rapport if she continues to do this even when you lean back or break
physical contact with her. When you’re in seduction, a woman is
indicating interest if she faces you with her hips when you touch her,
especially if she places her hips against you.
You’ll know you’ve failed to touch a woman properly if she A)
Removes herself from the interaction by walking away, B) Turns
her back on you, especially during rapport or seduction, or C) Takes
your hand off her. When I was studying, I found that a good rule
to live by was “Remove your hand before she removes it.” Use
your peripheral vision to keep an eye on her hands at all times.
Whenever she starts moving them in a way that you think indicates
that she might be about to remove your hand, take your hand off her
immediately, take a step back, and keep talking. Don’t look at your
hand while you do this – in fact, don’t ever look at your hands while
you’re touching. Lots of guys do this, and it ruins the atmosphere of
their touches.

All of that being said, don’t assume that you must end an interaction
just because a woman removes your hand. It’s often a sign that you’re
moving too quickly, not a sign that she wants you to leave her alone.
If this is the case, you’re probably allowing each touch to linger for
too long, or you don’t realize what stage you’re in. You might think
you’re in rapport when you’re actually still in attraction. So don’t
freak out if a woman takes your hand off – as long as she doesn’t
walk away afterwards, she’s just asking you to slow down a little bit.

Being able to recognize what stage you’re in – “seeing the matrix” – is
one of the most important skills you’ll ever learn because it’s useful
in every part of this process, touch included. Pay attention, and
practice, practice, practice. You’ll be able to have a lot more control
over your interactions when you can do this.